For a moment there I was quite happy and kinda enjoyed it... But while I was watching TV... Everything changes...
Today was quite another normal day for me... College and games... Very normal... But when I go back home and ate some hot stuff... My head aches so much that I nearly passed out... I guess my liver is dying slowly... So I was fine with it...
Then while I was alone watching TV... A feeling came to me... Its like I know that things wouldn't go my way... There are a lot of things bothering me... Even though I wanted to go... Its like I'm not allowed to... Every night I slept hoping the other day wouldn't come and haunt me... But days passed and its still the same...
Truth is... I still missed her... I know all my stupid attitude has pissed her off... Even I'm aware of that... Everyday I hid myself from the truth... The present... I didn't wanna know what happens or anything... Maybe I'm just plain jealous about that... Or I'm just running away from the fact... It doesn't matter...
Maybe I should say one of my reasons for doing this... Its actually because I wanna hide myself away from her... There's some sort of force which I don't like in me... I don't wanna know how's she doing with him... But yet this stupid force pulled me in front of the computer... Its like I'm a damn stalker or something like that...
Anyways I still have those same symptoms... I hope this weekend I could go out and enjoy while I still can...
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Hey!! Howdy! I was blogging around and suddenly stoped at your blog, and read some of your posts..
You'll probably think: 'who the heck this guy thinks he is to come and comment on my personal blog?', but I'll do it anyway... So, let me introduce myself: Bruno, from Brazil, 22 yo. What makes me comment on your blog? I don't know. I just found it randomly, and felt this need to say something.
First of all, I'm not gonna scold on you nor anything alike. Your life is yours, so you have all the right on the world to do whatever you want to do with it. I'm also not going to appeal to all your relatives and friends who love you and would pretty much suffer with your absence - even though you think they won't, even though you think you're just bothering them. Believe me: i am pretty much sure they love you way more than you can imagine.
Secondly, it appears to me that you really liked your ex-gf. I know it is pretty much tough to try moving on and living when apparently you find no reason to do that. I was in this position for at least 3 times in the last 5 years and, believe me, killing myself was a constant thought in my mind. I remember when my gf broke up with me all of a sudden (after that i found out she had someone else..), i was working at a chemical company and I honestly thought on jumping into a reaction vessel filled with caustic soda, with a giant sharp helix mixer. I'd probably last less than 30 secs there and my remainings would be slowly eaten by NaOH. Anyways, I stood there watching the mixer and crying like a freaking baby.. I just stood there. Didn't jump nor anything and, you know, I'm actually glad for not doind that. My last relationship break was kinda worse. My gf lived across the country (in a state called Amazonas, while I live in one called São Paulo), and I've crossed the country twice just to spend like.. 3 or 4 days with her. We had so many plans, I myself was even trying to find a job over there. And then, what happens? She meets this random guy and breaks up with me :).. see, for the second time I was exchanged for someone else. She, who said I was the love of her life and etc, suddenly found out I wasn't the one and discarded me. This was the hugest fall I've ever had. I've spend loads of money, lost precious friendships.. and there I was left. Alone, poor and missing important friendships. And those haunting suicide thoughts again crossed my mind. Everytime I catched the train or the subway I thought "what if I take a little step forward when the train arrives?" but, well, i never did that. And you know, I've been seeing some very precious friends of mine suffering for love, or for some other stuff. I had this friend, the smartest friend I've ever had, who had hemophylia. One night he hit his head on the bed and had some blood leaking on his brain. A couple weeks later he died on his father's arms. He was young, smart and precious for everyone. Unfortunately, he hadn't time to live. Everytime something like suiciding crosses my mind I think about him. There are so many, so many people fighting for living, that the fact I'm standing there, healthy, makes me feel ashamed for those suicide thoughts. There's also another friend of mine, she has hepatitis B. When her ex-bf found out, his family told her she was a black heart virus spreader and said they'd kill all of her family it their son got infected. Can you imagine how terrible she must have felt? But she just hanged on. And now she's actually happy, with somebody new, a job, a college and some special friends.
I know sometimes it is hard. And I know sometimes you just can't see any way out, it appears impossible that someday things will go our way. You know, it's kinda like a vicious circle: once things are bad, you get depressed, and then this seems to create an aura and things appear to get even worse (even though they aren't that bad, our minds change that to the worst scenario possible).
Anyways, I hope you be patient. I know it hurts like hell. But something I've realized is that virtually everyone suffers. Everyone goes through a lot of pain in their lives, and we are there to help them, and they are there to help us. That's how things are supposed to be. Someone out there needs you, and I'm pretty much sure of that. I'm pretty much sure that maybe one of your friends cry every night, and you could be the one to hold them and support them.
OMG, I think this comment will appear longer than your post.. lol.. I'm sorry for that, and I don't even know you.. You'll probably not even read it and erase it. Do what you judge better. I just wish you to know that I hope to see a happy ending in this story you're writing, even though I believe happiness is just an illusion; even though it's a necessary one, that makes us struggle to be better people.
Whenever you need a friend, feel free to email me!
Hugs from Brazil! =D
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