End Post - Part Nine

Why??? All the questions in my life could not be answered... There are so many things I wanted to tell someone face to face... But why??? Why can't I???

Time... Its like sand blown by a gust of wind... For a moment time moves slowly... The next second its gone... Time has been really fast for me... Too fast for me to catch up... I'm just left behind everyday...

Fate and Destiny... Something that could never go the way I wanted it... I just followed the flow... It taught me a lot of things that I'm not aware of...

Hmm this post is quite random but its all my feelings jumbled up into lines of words which I don't even know how to interpret... Even though its not my birthday or anything... I wish and hope that I could see her for one more day...

End Post - Part Eight

Wow its been eight posts... Didn't plan to last that long... Anyways college today everyone is stressing out and doing homework while I lazed around... Typical me... I'm just following my old attitude in old times... Too bad private school taught me to walk around doing nothing while everyone from government school are so hardworking and smart...


Today wasn't one of those days... Didn't have my lunch due to friends studying and no one else going for lunch... Went to Sunway Pyramid for fun and met up with some friends and danced at Para Para... Didn't play that game for a long time so got really rusted... After the dance stomach hurts so much that I feel like passing out again... Must be the absence of lunch... Then now in front of the computer typing... What a day...

Today... Fate and Destiny could not meet up yet... There are things I have to do I guess... Or else I wouldn't be stopped like this... Maybe both of them can collide tomorrow...

End Post - Part Seven

Its 5 something in the morning... Couldn't sleep... The pain inside me is just too much... Been having cold sweat... I don't know how long will I last... I wanna end it as soon as possible... Its just too painful for me to bear...

Saw a vision last night... I have a feeling that something good is going to happen after all these...

End Post - Part Six

Fate brought us together... Destiny pulled us apart... The whole night these lines have been in my head for no reason... Couldn't understand what it means either...

Its been weird... Life's been really weird... For a moment you wanna leave everything and another second you wanna keep living to know the future... I've been asking myself these days... Hiding myself from the people around me... Seeking the answers that I wanted to know... But it's of no use...

If... There are lots of if in life... I've realized what if I'm not in that school... What if I never knew her at the start... What if I never do that and make those promises... Life could be so much different... Maybe it could be better... Or maybe it could be worse... Imagine yourself in my position... Maybe you could understand why...

Today's another college day with something different... Went to college as usual... Once I got out of the car I saw the crows again... Staring at me giving some sort of feeling to me... Then in one of the classes my heart suddenly hurt so much I thought I'm going to pass out... But it was just for a moment so I'm still fine... Before I go back home... That feeling came again... And I could finally understand why the crows stared at me like that...

Fate... Destiny... I'll let God to decide tomorrow...

End Post - Part Five

Its been six days... Six days of the excruciating pain... And I'm still here and blogging... Kinda weird for me... Today was the most painful day I've ever felt... My stomach aches non stop until I sat down in front of this computer... Weird day it is... Class has been weird too...

Few days ago some friends advised me about what I did... I wanna thank them but... Finally its still my decision... Just now I read entries from other blogs and I imagine stuff again... Its really killing me...

Today something came over me... I don't know whether its going to happen or not... But I feel that something bad is going to happen in this week... And when I saw the crow staring at me with those eyes... I got a feeling... That I'm gonna die this week...

Anyways I was kinda normal yesterday night... There are a lot of things which I wish I could tell her but I couldn't... Its awful if she knows the truth...

End Post - Part Four

For a moment there I was quite happy and kinda enjoyed it... But while I was watching TV... Everything changes...

Today was quite another normal day for me... College and games... Very normal... But when I go back home and ate some hot stuff... My head aches so much that I nearly passed out... I guess my liver is dying slowly... So I was fine with it...

Then while I was alone watching TV... A feeling came to me... Its like I know that things wouldn't go my way... There are a lot of things bothering me... Even though I wanted to go... Its like I'm not allowed to... Every night I slept hoping the other day wouldn't come and haunt me... But days passed and its still the same...

Truth is... I still missed her... I know all my stupid attitude has pissed her off... Even I'm aware of that... Everyday I hid myself from the truth... The present... I didn't wanna know what happens or anything... Maybe I'm just plain jealous about that... Or I'm just running away from the fact... It doesn't matter...

Maybe I should say one of my reasons for doing this... Its actually because I wanna hide myself away from her... There's some sort of force which I don't like in me... I don't wanna know how's she doing with him... But yet this stupid force pulled me in front of the computer... Its like I'm a damn stalker or something like that...

Anyways I still have those same symptoms... I hope this weekend I could go out and enjoy while I still can...

Ending Post - Part Three

Its been about two days since that night... My liver and stomach hurts quite badly... Couldn't sleep much last night... Kinda painful... Anyways I think the dosage is not much that's why... Experiment 101 most likely to fail...

Well anyways... I think I've cleared up a lot of things since that night... I could finally stop caring about her... Even though there's still something in me... At least I could stop bugging her forever...

About friends... I'm a bit glad that some of them didn't hate me as much as I thought... Wanna thank both of you...

I feel kinda weird... It's kinda like a joke... I'm dying slowly and I'm a bit happy with that... Its like my sky has lighten up for no reason... Maybe it's because I could stop worrying about her... Or maybe there's something else... But someday maybe I would know the answer...

One last thing... Even though I say this... This doesn't mean suicide is a pretty thing or something good... Its bad and you'll be damned to hell... So everyone please don't suicide alright??? There should be a solution in every problem...

End Post - Part Two

Well I swallowed 10 in instead of 14... No effects last night but today there are a lot of effects... My back aches... My stomach hurts... My liver shows some sharp pains... Massive headache for the whole day... And my whole body is totally unwell... Has got to be the most painful way... Did a bit of research... They say 10 will allow you to survive a week... But still unsure yet...

Today I wasn't listening much in class... My mood is gone... But there was something which awakens me... A damn huge spider in a bottle of water... First time I've ever seen in my entire life... Got pictures but couldn't upload it... Maybe tomorrow...

Talking about last night... I did a seriously huge mistake... I called her up... I shouldn't have done that... But my instincts call me to talk to her... I made her sad and cry again... I'm so damn furious about myself right now... Everything I do is wrong... The more I'm trying to make her happy the worse I made her feel... I hate myself so much... I know I'm the one to blame... There's not a thing which I could do right...

She thought I'm just playing around... But I'm not playing around... I'm really serious here... That's why I made a mistake for calling her... Really regret right now... When she say that she don't like guys like that... I don't really know what to say... I know you don't like me anymore... Even as friends when I talk to you to cheer you up abit... You don't even want me to care...

So I've decided... I'll try not to call her anymore until that day comes... I just let you know that I'm serious here and I'm not playing anything... You can hate me if you want... But its a decision I've made... I hope everyone can hate me for what I did...

End Post - Part One

Today I started off with taking 14 of those... No effects yet... Maybe it will be shown at night... Anyways I've cleared everything... Maybe someday... I could see her face again...

Tuesday Night

Well its finally Tuesday night... There are so many things that I need to do today... But then something struck me... Therefore I'm not going to call KM and Tracy up anymore... I would prefer to leave something here on my blog...
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To KM
I'm glad that you moved on in life... I'm quite happy about that... I wanna say thank you for everything you gave me... All those 11 months just shot pass me in 2 hours... Its like heaven on Earth... Thanks... And I'm sorry too... Looking back at those 11 months I see myself treating you more as a friend than what I'm supposed to treat you... I'm sorry about all the events and actions that I have done to you...

About August... You are right about what I'm going to do... I was going to buy you a huge huge teddy bear and a bouquet of roses on your birthday and put it in your house... I know it sounds real silly but its the last part of the gift that I promise you... But its too late... It wouldn't happen anymore...

Well I wanna wish you all the best for your PMR and also your relationship with him... I guess he's doing a far better job than me... So don't worry okay???

There's something which I hope you could do for me... Can you promise me that no matter what happens please keep that lovely smile on your face??? All the promises that I asked you to keep last time... You can just forget all about them... Its going to be invalid soon...

I'm sorry that I didn't and wouldn't call you tonight... I don't wanna ruin your relationship or anything... And I'm really sorry... After all I've just said... I want you to hate me and forget me... Forget that I ever existed... Don't ever look back...


To Tracy
Hello!!! How are you??? You might not notice this last message for you but its alright... Maybe someday you might see this... I wanna say thanks for being such a wonderful friend for about 4 years... Come to think of it... Its quite funny when we first met each other... I could still remember the 1st drama that we did... It was quite an amazing time...

To me you've been like an older sister... I wanna thank you for helping me everytime I'm in need or when I have any troubles in life... Even though we are best friends for like so long its kinda funny that we only hugged once ^^... Anyways I wanna say sorry that I made you angry or sad sometimes... And I'm really sorry that I didn't tell you about this... I don't wanna disrupt your studies for your exam soon...

Well I can't think of anything much to say here unless we can still met someday... I'm sorry I couldn't be there anymore... If you wanna hate me or scold me please do... But its fun that at least we had a great time before you hate me... No matter what I do... I'll always see you as my best friend even though you might not...

_________________________________________________________

I think that's all I could say for now... Tonight I'm going to do something which I think everyone is gonna think its silly or stupid... But I don't really mind... I hope after tonight... Everyone could hate me and forget that I ever existed... Even though its gonna land me in Hell... I'm prepared for it... I'm really sorry... These 18 years has been fun with you all...

I might update again maybe later at 10.30... And I think I'll take 14...

Side Story - The End

Tuesday, 20 May 2008
About 24 hours... Yoh looked at the time... He knew that the time is coming... Its what he must do... He couldn't fight it... He didn't tell anyone... He didn't want to let anyone know this... Not even her, Chermaine...

A few days before that fateful day, Yoh has already apologized to everyone... Even though he knew it wouldn't do any good... He just didn't care about it... He knew in his heart that the time has come... No matter how much people hate him after that he doesn't mind... He deserved to be hated... After all the things he has done, he wanted to be hated...

It was 6 a.m.... Yoh typed his story on the computer... Hopefully sealing everything in a file... While he was typing it, he went online to find Chermaine's blog... It was not there... He wanted to see her one last time but...

" Its alright... I'll just trouble her more if I do that... " smiled Yoh, talking inside his brain...

After typing what he needs to type, he went back to bed but he couldn't sleep... His heart kept screaming her name... Hot tears came down from Yoh's eyes... He woke up and knock his head furiously on the wall...

" Shut up!!! Chermaine has someone else with her!!! Please shut up!!! " screamed Yoh to his heart...

Even though he wanted to stop it... His heart took control over him... He slap himself millions of times just to stop thinking about her... Suddenly everything and all his memories flow back into his head... Yoh suddenly got a headache and start smashing things with tears continuously flowing from his eyes... To Yoh, everyday was a miserable day without her... That's why he decided to do that...

Suddenly images of seeing her with her new boyfriend came into his mind... Half of Yoh was happy for her while the other half died... His heart was stone-cold... Yoh jumped back into his bed and rolled and rolled with his hands on his head... The excruciating pain from the headache hurts him so much... He knew that it would happen... For it was him who plans this... A few minutes before his death, he called up Chermaine for no reason at all...

" Hey Chermaine... There's something I wanted to tell you... I lo... " Yoh fainted before he could finish his line...

He woke up the next day in the hospital... The doctors came and told him that his liver is not functioning anymore... Yoh knew that... He knew that he's going to die the next day... Yoh never try calling Chermaine anymore... He didn't want to ruin her relationship... Yoh said to himself silently, " Keep your lovely smile everyday...".

Yoh died with a painful death... On his hand he held a note... A note that he hope Chermaine would read someday....

The End

Ending Posts - Part 1

Its been days that I thought about this... Its some sort of plan that came into my head and told me that I have to do it... But the effects are really unknown... What would become of me is not known yet... It maybe how I wanted to be... Or it may and most likely go the opposite way and everyone will hate me once again... No matter what it will be... I'll do it on Tuesday night... How much everyone hates me I don't mind anymore...

Life's been a living hell... Everyday I wake up its another nightmare... How much I hope that I'll sleep and never wake up forever... Everyday I hope it could be a bit different... But its always the same... I couldn't handle this anymore... I'm prepared to go down... It must be stupid for everyone but to me this could be the only way to end a suffering...

P.S. I hope I could see you one more time before I go...

My Deepest Apologies

These days I realized something... Something that I should have realized long time ago... I couldn't believe I only knew it a few days ago... My attitude has changed... I've changed a lot... Broke a lot of hearts... There has been days which I don't even know who I am... That's why I would wanna take this time off... To apologize to everyone that I know...
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To That Someone Special
I wanna start this post by apologizing to you first... Those past 11 months has been perfect... Much more than perfect... I wanna thank you for all those precious memories... Nothing can substitute everything that I've been through... I've been wondering alone for these few days... I started to learn slowly that I didn't fulfill my duties as your boyfriend in the past... I didn't fulfill that relationship last time and now I'm regretting about it... I've been really selfish and I know that I don't seem like I'm caring much about you... I wanna apologize to you about that... I guess that's why we broke up...

The next thing that I wanna apologize is the past month... I'm sorry about all my silly and foolish acts about suicide... I really wanna say sorry to you... And those desperations and forcing you to come back... I'm really sorry... I've been really pathetic... I lost all my chances and yet during that time I didn't let you go... Come to think of it I'm a damn pathetic guy for doing all those... I'm really sorry... But I finally understand what it means when you truly love someone... You would have to make sacrifices and you would do anything to let her have her happiness... Even though it hurts you more than anything... You would go as far as possible to see the love of your life happy... So keep your gorgeous smile on your face alright?? I'm sorry that I'm so pathetic that time... Hope your new boyfriend is the right one for you...

Well I've been keeping your promise and still hasn't cut my hair ^^... Hope you still keep what we promised...


To My Dearest Friend, Tracy
Well I wanna apologize to you too... I wanna thank you first of all for being such a great friend to me for about 4 years... I see you as my best friend for life and also thanks for helping me in everything in life... If you aren't there at times I could have already died... That's how important you are to me... I wanted to apologize for my recent behaviors... You gave me a lot of good advice but I didn't listen to them... I wanna say sorry about that... I'm sorry that I made you mad cause of that silly attitude... But no matter how much you scold me or how much you hate me... I still see you as my best friend and will always be there for you... That's my promise to you... And I'm sorry about that attitude that time...

Finally I wanna say thanks for being there with me when I need someone to talk to... Thanks...


To All My Friends And People Who Know Me
I wanna apologize and say sorry to my friends here today... My attitude these days has been a really bad one... I'm sorry that I scolded and shouted the whole class that day... It must have been a weird day to all of you... I wanna apologize to all my school friends too... I know sometimes my attitude really sucks and sometimes it gets people on their nerves... I'm really sorry about that... And also a few strangers at ECA on Thursday... I'm sorry I suddenly shoot my temper at you guys... I was just furious about you guys taking the games without asking... Sorry about that...



To My Family
This post is also dedicated to my parents... I wanna say sorry for making you guys so angry nearly everyday... I know I didn't complete much of the work that I have that's why I deserve those scoldings... I'm sorry...
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I think that's all I could say for now... If I left anything out that I didn't mention... Please just tell me... I don't ask everyone for forgiveness but I hope I could apologize to everyone in my life... These days I learnt that life is short so I have to express everything before it ends... And I wanna thank everyone for those wonderful times that we have had...

Revelations - Part 1

Well readers its been a week since I've posted anything on my blog... Its been a really revealing week for me thats why my story production halt for a while but I'll continue when I have more contents to continue it...

Anyways in revelations it will be mostly based on what I feel and what I've been experiencing and not about Yoh... Some might think that Yoh's story is also my story but actually its half fiction and half based on a true story...

Anyways movie industry would be the revelation topic for the week... I've watched Iron Man twice because a friend of mine pushed me to watch it again... Nice storyline and damn nice graphics... The main problem with the show is that they didn't expand much on its graphic... They only show Iron Man for four times in the show which is damn little... Other than that its all good... So its 4/5 for me...

It's Voltron!!!

The next movie I watched is Speed Racer... Hollywood has been taking legalized animes and made them into movies which is good like Transformers and also Astro Boy but imagine Voltron or Dragonball... Hope they don't suck... Well Speed Racer is a very colourful movie where you get to see all sorts of colours like the Chocolate Factory... Its immensing graphics were stunning but lack of storyline and the lack of Oomph! made some viewers siting next to me to walk off from the movie... But its still better than the anime and the money is worth its graphics so I can say 3.5/5...

Well other movies to look out for are Narnia 2, Indy 4, Incredible Hulk, Dark Knight, You Don't Mess With The Zohan, 21, and some others which I still couldn't decide due to trailers... Hancock and Wanted would have some same plot as other movies but its still a movie that you can tune into...



My last revelation for today - Love... Love is a very strong word... When you say you love someone it also means that your feelings for that someone will always be there... But some believe that there's no such thing as forever... Well I partially believe that statement... When you truly love someone you really would spend the rest of your lives with that special someone... Fulfilling the relationship is also a part of it too... That's already counted as forever or as long as you can live... But when that special someone says that you are not the one... Then the chain of forever love is broken... That's when the statement comes alive... So what can we do when the chain is broken??? Will the statement reach you??? Or will there still a forever love because of that feeling??? That's up to everyone to decide...

I just got this new theory that I'm trying to prove... When you are doing anything at all and you can't hear or feel your heartbeat and your mind is blank and there's totally nothing in your head... Does that mean that your life is now meaningless??? Or what could it be???

Side Story - Part 3

2nd Week Of May 2008
Yoh looked around his surroundings in the hot and stuffy room he was in... Alarms were blaring loudly and noises from the downstairs were heard... He isolated himself in the study room to complete his story which his pen kept ignoring what he wanted to write...

A few days ago, Yoh went to his friend's birthday party which reminded him what happened two years ago in December... He was trying to enjoy the party with his friends but he couldn't do it... His mind was focused on something else... Yoh tried to ignore it... Drinking cans and cans of beer just to destroy his brain and stop thinking about her... But beer was a useless item... When he sleeps his thoughts about her reappeared and made him restless for the entire night...

The next day... Yoh went back to the mall with his friends... He was left alone for about 4 hours because his friends were watching a movie that Yoh wasn't interested in... So Yoh walked around looking at those shops which brought him back to his fond memories... He was also worried... Worried that she could be there too with her boyfriend... Yoh walked alone for the rest of the day... With a Revenge on his hands...

Back to the present, Yoh was planning to start his story when his alarm rang... Its time for him to go back to class... It was a hectic day for Yoh... His mind wasn't available... Yoh did his best but it was too much... His mind was empty... For he has sacrificed his memories to forget her... Yoh became different and kept dreaming in classes... When he drove back from college, Yoh nearly got himself in an accident... He sat on his bed thinking about it...

" If that accident happened... What would life be for me? Will it be better or worse? " Yoh looked up into the sky... Trying to grasp the answer from the stars...

Revenge

Side Story - Part 2

Early May 2008
" Please!!! We're impossible!!! Let go of me!!! Stop bugging me!!! " those words hung inside Yoh's head for the entire night... He couldn't sleep and he became restless... It was close to 1 a.m. when it happened... Yoh couldn't control himself... He was pathetic as ever... His mind was set only for one thing... And that's her... The girl of his dreams... Yoh was stubborn and foolish... He regret about the things he said on that night... He was desperate and depressed... Yoh has done the most foolish thing he has ever done throughout his entire life... And he blamed none other than himself for it...

The next morning came... Yoh's head was blank and filled with emptiness... He wanted to apologize to her about the events that took part a day before... He doesn't know how... Yoh just sat there looking at his phone again with the keychain which bound his memories about those 11 months... He wanted to throw it away... But deep inside he couldn't do such a thing... He just couldn't...

9 a.m... His phone rang... It's his neighbor, Larry, asking Yoh for a movie at the mall... He agreed and went with Larry... Upon reaching the mall, Yoh's head starts to turn blank... Everywhere he goes those words that she said to him haunts him... Yoh was disturbed, his concentration all but a blank... The mall too haunts him... Every shop he goes into brought back fond and lovely memories about their time together... Yoh couldn't escape that fact... He couldn't push himself to enter those shops... All he did was stare at them...

A few hours passed quickly and he was back in the car... Yoh kept staring at the sky throughout the whole journey waiting for an answer... But the background " Teardrops On My Guitar " just worsen Yoh's state of mind... He was disturbed... Mentally disturbed...

For the whole day Yoh's mind was wondering around... Focusing on nothing... He was silent and quiet... During the night Yoh sat back into his room trying to study his exam tomorrow... But his mind was not there... He turned on his phone and read the messages she sent to him over and over again... Tears fell from Yoh's eyes... He knew he could never stand a chance anymore... He tried to digest it but his heart spit it out...

" I'm an idiot... " said Yoh to himself silently in his cold room...

On the next day, Yoh's exam came... He tried his best but he couldn't get what he hoped to achieve... The rest of the day has been really depressing for him...

When Yoh came back home and went online... He saw her picture... The girl of his dreams... His heart suddenly gave two feelings to him... He was sad... He knew its time for him to let go, for she has someone else with her... Yoh also experienced another feeling... Something which he couldn't describe... He just stayed there silently... Having no clue about that feeling...

Back at night, Yoh sat on his bed silently for hours... He's uncertain of what he should do...

" She already doesn't love you Yoh... Why do you keep doing this??? " Yoh said to himself without an answer...

He looked at his phone again... Staring at the black keychain that she gave him... Thinking about a way to apologize to her...